I love you still, dammit!
Long ago I posted a “Letter Full of Bawling Out.” You may want to revisit this letter, in which Alex takes his frustrations out on Sylvia. This letter is not the same one full of “bawling out” that Sylvia refers to in the letter below but it provides another side and example of fighting via mail. Her voice is stern and hurt but not vicious – and still loving. She writes that it is difficult for her to respond and you can feel the painful emotional choices she has to make in this letter. She does not want to say anything she might regret, or anything that doesn’t tell Alex that he means a lot to her but she is injured by his words and does not accept them without recourse. She finds her defense is to continue living her life as if she were not waiting for him. She goes to movies without him but still tells him she is proud of the work he did in Chicago before the war.
I wasn’t able to find information about the movies or books that Sylvia mentions in this post but I will continue to look. For now, the emotional reasons that she mentions seeing movies feels more prevalent.
Friday, January 5, 1945
It’s difficult for me to start this letter – I’m at a loss to know what tone to adopt – since the letter I received from you yesterday. Shall I pretend I never received it? ( that was your bawling out letter – and also where you tell me we might not see each other throughout Winter, Spring, and possibly summer… Remember? ) well, no mail from you today, so I guess you’ve started your reciprocal trade (and letters) agreement. I might joke about it, but it’s going to be a stiff punishment not to hear from you – about your safety anyway – so don’t keep it up!! Even my handwriting looks restrained.
I brought Adrienne over to my mother’s this morning and I went to see the movie “Seventh Brass”. (It’s only recently, since yesterday, that I decided not to wait for your return to see good movies and shows. The “Seventh Brass” is the first attempt so far). The film was good – but it seemed to say that the German underground did nothing – this was in 1936 – about the fight against the Nazis. This was a little difficult to understand. However, the film was absorbing, they used a good technique in the story development. It would have been nice to see it with you, though. I’d also like to see “The Rainbow” – a sweet movie taken from the novel written by Wanda Wassilewslia (Polish government in exile). But will not wait any longer to see it. If, when you return, you’d like to see it, I’ll gladly go again, as from all reports it’s an exceptionally fine film. But you wrote me that you’ve been out two shows, dances, etc. almost every night lately. I’m glad to read this as it must be a good form of release and recreation for you.
I realize that you don’t have many opportunities to do so, and am happy just to for your sake – although I was slightly worried about you and the woman question. Your telling me about your buddy was very reassuring on that scare. Will it be all grown in when you come home? I hope so – as the neighbors are all on the lookout for a very tall and handsome sailor. By the way I’m reading “Citizens” by Meyerlevin which deals with the Chicago memorial day massacre and riots talking about the south side of Chicago and mentions things both you and Jimmy B told me about regarding Chicago. It makes me feel proud of you and your life in Chicago. Good night, Alex, and write me a kinder letter soon. Or just let me know you’re alright. I love you still, dammit!